A few months after my son died, my cousin, who I grew up very close to, and I have a lot in common with, told me he had not come around because he did not know what to say to me.  He wanted to be supportive but was just unsure how to act or what to say.   

I wish I had had a list of things that people could have said to me which would have felt supportive and helpful. I recognize that the things that were helpful to me might not be helpful to somebody else, just as they might not have been helpful to me on a different day.   

Here are some examples of things you could say to a grieving person, which acknowledge their pain and offer support.  

• “I am here to talk if you need me” (and mean it!)  
• “I am so sorry.” 
• “I would love it if you could tell me about your loved one, someday when you are up to it. They sound amazing.”  
• “I am so sorry to hear about _________, when you are up to it, I would love to tell you what they meant to me. I want you to know how much they meant to my life” 
• “I really loved the way he……. He was a great guy.” 
• “I want to help your family by bringing over dinner. I know it can be hard to remember to think about eating. Would that be OK with you?” 
• “Can I take you for a walk?” 
• “I have some pictures of your loved one, I can bring you the originals after I make some copies for myself.” 
• “I would love to see you. We can talk about your loved one or not, it is your choice. I will follow your lead.” 
• “My most sincere condolences.” 
• “I was thinking about putting up a memorial for her.  What are your thoughts on that?”  
• “Can I organize a food calendar for you and your family, so your friends can sign up to bring dinner on different nights? “ 
• “I was thinking about making a rotation chart of friends to come over or to reserve a night on the phone to talk with you.  You will not be obligated to spend time on a specific day, but this way we will not all overwhelm you all at once. How do you feel about that?”   This concept also gives a longer timeline for a grieving person to feel supported and have a strong community of help.  

Be a friend. Everyone feels differently and grief is a strange struggle. Today I may want to distraction from my sadness and tomorrow I may want to bury myself in memories that make me cry. There is no recipe for how this happens. Support your friend by following their lead and just being present. 

It is also important to not abandon the person grieving. Yes, it is difficult to be around sadness, but it is even harder to be the one suffering. Harder yet if the person feels they are suffering alone. In most cases, the first few days and weeks are a blur with dozens of well-wishers and support, but that support quickly drops off leaving an intense feeling of isolation for the person grieving.  Plan to check in on the person weeks and even months after their loved one passed away. 

Tina Norton is a dual board-certified Family and Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner trained in psychotherapy, and an expert in grief.  She is a grief coach, dedicated to helping people who are grieving. Her purpose is to help individuals to remember the person they lost with love and fondness rather than with overwhelming sadness. For more information on methods of managing grief, or if you would like a consult with Tina, please visit CompleteGriefCare.com        

Gift Cards are available in our shop