In our culture, it is extremely common that as soon as anyone hears of the death of an acquaintance or loved one the very first thing they say is “what happened?”.   

What happened is: Somebody who mattered will never be seen again on this earth. Somebody’s life is shattered because of this loss. Someone I loved is gone from my life.  To the person who has lost someone, the manner of the death is inconsequential.  

Typically, if somebody dies during military service they are thought of as a hero. If someone dies from a car accident, it’s considered tragic. If someone dies from COVID and they had chosen to not be vaccinated, people seem to indicate that this was their own fault for getting sick. If someone dies from a drug overdose it is just considered stupidity. When a child dies of cancer, it is considered heartbreaking. When an adult dies of uncontrolled diabetes or cirrhosis of the liver, the sentiment is almost as if they deserved to die. When someone completes suicide they are thought of as mentally ill, or worse, it is implied that person can not go to Heaven.    

Let’s stop all of this nonsense!  Stop asking what killed a person. The truth is, unless you are a direct blood relative of the deceased person and it is inheritable genetic trait that you or your children need to be screened for, it is absolutely none of anybody’s business how somebody died. It can actually be extremely painful for a friend or family member to go into details about how their loved one died.  

The mother and father of the person who completed suicide is just as devastated as the wife of the serviceman, but they have an added element of feeling as if they should somehow be ashamed of the manner in which their loved one left this earth.  Is this really a burden that should be added to their grief?   If a family wishes to talk about the manner their loved one died, that should be solely their decision, and nobody should ever feel like they need to lie to protect the memory of their loved ones.  

People should be remembered for the good they provided while on this earth, not for the way in which they died.  

Unfortunately, we can not control the curiosity of others, so until there is a cultural shift that makes it taboo to ask about the manner of death, here are some examples of statements that can be used if you are asked questions about the way someone died, and you do not want to discuss it  

• “I would rather not talk about that” 
• “Would it be ok if we just focus on his life and not his death?” 
• “I don’t think it is appropriate to discuss how someone died”  
• “I am not sure how they died, and I don’t think it is any of my business either” 
• “it is not my place to say” 
• “it doesn’t really matter how she died, my heart is broken”  
• “I wasn’t nosey enough to ask” 

If you are afraid an answer such as the ones above might cause even more speculation, you can also answer with a truthful statement which doesn’t give specifics about the manner of death such as:  

• “Her heart stopped” 
• “He quit breathing”  

Questions regarding how someone died are probably not meant to be hurtful, but sometimes they are.  Practice how you might answer questions, if you are asked about someone’s death.  If enough of us change our responses, maybe people will start to think twice about asking.   

Tina Norton is a dual board certified Family and Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner trained in psychotherapy, and an expert in grief.  She is a grief coach, dedicated to helping people who are grieving. Her purpose is to help individuals to remember the person they lost with love and fondness rather than with overwhelming sadness. For more information on methods of managing grief, or if you would like a consult with Tina, please visit CompleteGriefCare.com