At memorial services, and for months after a death, lots of cliches get repeated because people want to say something helpful, they want to offer comfort and unfortunately most of these phrases have quite the opposite effect.  

This is part 1 of an unlimited series of things which you should not say to a grieving person, and hopefully give some explanations why.  This is not an all inclusive list. This series includes examples of actual phrases that get repeated when somebody dies. The cliches are not helpful. If you are unsure what to say, say nothing and instead give a hug.  

“I know how you feel” 

When someone says “I know how you feel” it can seem as if they are really saying “your pain is not any worse than mine was, I went through this and you will be fine”.   

When someone is grieving, the weight of it can feel like it is crushing them. No two people grieve exactly the same, and sometimes when grieving, it feels as if nobody can possibly understand the pain you are going through.  While lots of people have felt tremendous loss in their lives, it is not possible for two people to have the exact same experience, and to indicate that you have been in the exact place of grief is inadvertently diminishing the pain the other person is feeling right now.  

When words are said that diminish a person’s pain, it is not helpful, and it feels trite and uncaring to the person grieving.  Even if you think it is something that seems logical to say…. Anything that does not acknowledge the pain and loss, in a supportive way, is a fail.   

Check back soon for more phrases that just should not be said to someone who is grieving.

Please see my blog post which talks about things you can (or should) say or do that are helpful to someone who is grieving.  

Tina Norton is a dual board-certified Family and Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner trained in psychotherapy, and an expert in grief.  She is a grief coach, dedicated to helping people who are grieving. Her purpose is to help individuals to remember the person they lost with love and fondness rather than with overwhelming sadness. For more information on methods of managing grief, or if you would like a consult with Tina, please visit CompleteGriefCare.com